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August 2, 2012

to be 2 – personal

I have been working on a personal project for the last nine months. To be 2. Knowing that I am an all or nothing kind of person, prone to the odd bout of self sabotage if I do not tick EVERY single box, I decided that if I didn’t feel like taking a photo then I wouldn’t. It just so happens (not wanting to jinx myself) that I may have mostly every day of the second year of this life documented. I did it, because I wanted to remember. I wanted to be able to feel again what I feel now, when he is 5 or 9 or 12 or 33, just what it was like to spend my life with him when he was two.

Today I look at him and I realise he has changed. Something has shifted and I can not put my finger on when it happened. My two year 9 month old, is a BOY. He likes mischief and mud and snails and puppy dog’s tails. I look at him in wonder. Where have the last 3 years gone. Just like that, from new born *poof* to big boy. He strings elaborate sentences together. He is charming, a bit cheeky and does stuff just for the laughs. BOY. All of this but he is still mine. He comes to me and says ‘mummy cuddle me’ and like that all of the naughtiness, toilet rolls in the toilet, bouncing on the couch, it’s forgotten. He still reaches up to hold my hand when we cross the road and I still feel him fold into my leg when he just isn’t sure. I love him. Before I had him, I never knew how much I could love him. And because I was told I probably never have him, I was always too afraid to imagine what the possibility of him in my life would feel like. And here we are. 2 years and 9 months after he came into our world and I wonder what I used to to with my days. He has changed me in every conceivable way. He has given direction and purpose I never knew before. He has stirred a passion in me I had for the world but had lost along the way somewhere. And he has reminded me how all of the little things, they count SO much more. He has made me gaze at the stars again, remember the magic of the moon and search for fairies in the garden.

The best advice I ever got about him was from my mum. When he was born she said to me, ‘don’t worry about the dishes or the house, just lie on the floor with him. Play with him, soak up every moment. Because it will feel like tomorrow that you wake up and he is 33 with a baby of his own.’ Six months ago I blogged a little bit of to be 2 and much to my surprise it was one of my most popular posts, ever. Sharing those moments caused me quite a bit of momentary anxiety. Should I, shouldn’t I, should I, shouldn’t I. But we are all human beings. Inquisitive by nature. We share our feelings, emotion. And my 2 year 9 month old is such a huge part of who I am and why I take the photographs I do.

So here is the second instalment, six months down the road. One day (probably tomorrow!) I will look back on this post and remember him. His funny little looks, his chubby fingers, his quiet moments and all of those little idiosyncrasies that make him the boy, the beautiful boy of mine that he is. Just love him…

 

 

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